It is far bette…

It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time — for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays …

Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, and ambition look ahead.

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

“The light in me salutes the light in you.”

Morning sun is so much better than afternoon sun. Until now, I’ve barely seen it. Maybe I’m crazy, but the sun at 9 A.M. is the most beautiful yellow. And maybe it’s the coming of Spring, but everything is so much brighter. 

Doctors have told me for months that I should try yoga. Being the entirely unmotivated person that I currently am always said, “Yea, I should! I will!” and never did.

Beginning this week, a dear friend of mine and I have decided to go to the YMCA at least 4 times a week. The beauty of exercising with another person is that you have someone to hold you accountable. Each morning we exchange a “Are we doing this?” text, and one of us always says
“YES,GET UP.” And then we do! Although yoga at our small town YMCA isn’t the most zen of situations, it’s incredible how great I feel afterward. 

The day after my first class, I was uncomfortably achey. I’ve been a dancer my whole life, but yoga was HARD. Granted, I haven’t exercised in six months, but yoga is testing my body in ways that it’s never been tested. 

It is currently 11:30 a.m. and I’ve already been awake for over 3 hours. Normal me would say it’s time for a nap, but I have no desire to. I feel awake and ready to do things. WHAT? 

Now if only this idea of productivity could motivate me to clean my room….

Picking at Scabs

Earlier this week, I received a call from my ex boyfriend asking me to lunch. For most people, this would be an immediate red flag. Exes should remain in the past. Rob and I began dating in 8th grade and were off and on until my freshman year of college. Officially, we dated a sum of 4 years. Although the breakup is laced with bitterness (solely from my end of things), we have remained friends. 

This past Fall, we had attended the same school in Minnesota. Rob had already spent a year at the U, and I had hoped that he would show me around. For one reason or another, that didn’t really pan out and ultimately I left the school. Since leaving, he and I kept in touch, but at the bare minimum. Up until this week, I hadn’t heard from him in two months, right around the time I began dating Mat. I assumed that maybe that was the reason we hadn’t spoken, and honestly I didn’t think that much of it. I was pleasantly surprised to receive his call, and looked forward to going to lunch today. Even though Rob was the cause of too much hurt in my life, and I have zero desire to welcome him back into it, part of me will always love and miss him. 

We went to a sandwich bistro in town. Rob began the lunch with asking for a moment to apologize. “I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help you acclimate to the U. You needed me, and I should’ve been there. I feel really bad about it.” All of my girly insides wanted to hug him and even tear up at this vulnerable confession. I thought to myself, “Maybe he’s finally grown up.”  Conversation consisted of school, my medical traumas, just life in general. He nearly obsessed over my new tattoo, as well as the ring on my finger (which is simply a band I bought myself from Etsy). Additionally, conversation kept circling back to the idea of kids. Rob never wanted kids, and that was a huge issue for me in our relationship, even though it wasn’t something to worry about at age 16. It gnawed at me, sure, but it wasn’t a deal breaker at the time. He looked at me with complete disbelief when I told him I wanted a huge family; that I wanted to be married with a baby on the way in the next 5 years. Rob has always been career minded (which is code for self centered if you ask me) He asked about Mat, and even though it really isn’t his business I said he made me extremely happy. He then asked, “Are you and Mat going to get married?” and I simply smiled and shrugged, and said we’d talked about it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rob’s eyes get so wide. His mouth was practically agape. “You’re so different,”  he kept saying, and I became increasingly offended. He threw out phrases like, “You’ve aged 10 years since we last talked.”, “You’re old!”, “What are you, a born again Catholic?” Oh.. There’s the Rob I remember. Uninterested, unobservant, he failed to realize that I have been this way for some time now. And I have always been an “old soul”. 

What’s frustrating about all of this, is that all I wanted to do was cry. He had basically told me he didn’t like who I was now. I should be the one that doesn’t like him. He ruined me. But after all this time and healing, he still had the power to make me feel inferior. It’s exhausting to care about someone so deeply that their opinion, however ignorant, always matters. 

I closed these wounds closed a long time ago, but I guess I have a horrible habit of picking at scabs. For as quickly as people change, it’s just as slowly that they don’t. 

Just Give Me a Reason

As the days pass it seems like every possible symptom a person could suffer, I do. With the deterioration of my health, so deteriorates my morale. I have become desperate for answers. The list of physicians continues to grow, and currently includes chiropractors, rheumatologists, dermatologists, oncologists, gastro-intestinal physicians, and OBGYNS. My mind is plagued with the worst case scenario. At this point my horrible list of potential ailments are:

Melanoma complications

Hormonal imbalance

Endometriosis

Cervical Cancer

Crohn’s Disease

Gall bladder issues

Or worse than them all, no diagnosis at all.

 

Frankly, with the above to pick from, I don’t know how the future could be anything but bleak.  My boyfriend has been an absolute saint and does his best to pull me out of my misery, but I can see that his patience is wearing thin. It wouldn’t be far fetched to assume that he loves me more than anyone else in the world, and no one wants to see the person they love in pain. 

For the sake of my sanity, as well as everyone else’s, I am praying for health, strength, and most importantly for answers.

 

“But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31”

  

Habemus Papum

As I sit and watch the announcement of our new Pope, Francis I, my heart is swelling with love, and faith, and optimism. The sun is shining. The temperature is rising. SPRING! is nearly here. New beginnings are everywhere. Easter is quickly approaching, and it is going to be the most important Easter of my life to date. This year I will truly understand the meaning of Easter. In this moment, I don’t care that my body aches excruciatingly. I have a wonderful love, a wonderful future, and wonderful faith to hang on to. Today is the best day.

Rationality.

 

I pose to you a serious question: How much does therapy cost? I’m sitting in my usual location, also known as my bed, and I’m having one of my usual periods of reflection. I do this often, and I frequently make the mental note of “This might be something I should discuss in therapy.” But as I’m sorting through my thoughts, I realize what’s required to fix the situation. My brain says,” Well, your therapist would probably tell you to do this.” to which my brain replies, “Yea. That makes a lot of sense. I ought to do that.” And I continue this conversation with myself until nearly all of my talking points are sorted through. Often times when I’m in my actual therapy sessions, I hear myself reasoning my way through my own problems while my shrink just nods. I LOVE my current psychologist, but I can’t tell if I’m just extremely reasonable or he’s extremely predictable. 

I like to think that I am self-aware, but literally every girl on the planet says that. However, I am frequently sought out for advice, and I know that what I’m saying is right. It’s strange to be up on this high horse of rational. It’s also strange to be up here and still attending regular therapy sessions.

Priorities

I just think it’s really disgusting when people spend money (especially when they can’t actually afford it) on things like frequent shopping sprees, plastic surgeries, gadgets, etc, while other people are working their asses off to pay for school or rent or necessary medical procedures. I am aiming this at one person in particular and being a bit of a Sensitive Sally, but it’s my blog and I can be mean if I want to.

Sick and Tired

The connection between mind and body is a requirement for well being. In order to think well, you need to feel well.

In the exact sense of the word literally, I can not remember the last time I felt well for an entire day. At the very least, every day over the last year I wait for nausea, fatigue, depression, or some sort of ache to ruin my day. In the last 6 months alone I feel like my body has been chewed up by the universe and then spit back out in only partial pieces. In October I was diagnosed with Clarks III Melanoma and since then have had 7 “surgeries” to remove problematic skin. In December, I was diagnosed with mono, and later bronchitis which for a short time explained the fatigue and chest pain. However, my most recent blood work indicates that the mono is no longer in my system and bronchitis works itself out. I have not had an appetite in months, and my weight shows it. I have excruciating leg aches that keep me up at night, so the most/only sleep I obtain is during the day. Additionally, no doctor in the general vicinity seems to have an verve to find out what’s wrong and fix it. My life has become a series of two week trial periods to “see how I feel”.

All of these physical health issues place a huge weight in my psychological health issues. In the last year I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety. Medication has proven helpful, but only for short periods of time. My body either becomes too adjusted to the medication or never adjusts which leaves me disoriented and foggy.

Therapists recommend that I begin a mandatory schedule, asking me to wake up early for breakfast and then exercise, work, find a hobby, and basically do anything that keeps me busy. Naps are completely out of the question because too much sleep only hurts a depressed person. In theory, this idea of a schedule makes all sorts of sense, except for the part where I am seemingly physically incapable. I am so exhausted, sick, and in pain all the time. How am I supposed to motivate when I feel so terrible physically? I don’t. So I’m terrible mentally. 

I’m forced to be tossed in a circle of misery, and nothing helps. In the last week, all I’ve wanted to do is curl up and sob. I really am “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”